The best thing to do when Angus sends you an email, is to put it up without even slightly editing it. Even (especially) if it doesn’t fit the traditional music blog framework. Trust me. It’s the best thing to do.
Introduction – At this very moment a 3rd instalment of the Home Alone franchise exists. Indeed, it has been extant for nearly 24 years. You assume that I am writing this in error, or perhaps even in jest, but let’s just say… not so, as the entirely different cast from the earlier entries render it, in manifold ways, (de facto) non canon. For those of you that haven’t seen this egregious act of cinema, I shall explain what the ‘3rd entry’ lacked; a competent Chris Columbus (in the family film sense) direction, an effective antagonistic counterpoint like that of Harry and Marv, and the outright replacement of Macaulay Culkin with a walking bowl cut. Instead of a 1997 release (as occurred), this proposed hypothetical would have seen release in December 1995, in order to correspond to the typical 2 year gap each preceding entry abided by, as well as to capitalise on the box office potential of a Christmas release within the December margin-of-error. With this all in mind, allow the revisionism to take sway.
Proposed Title – Home Alone 3: Duress in Bogotá *1995*
Synopsis – It’s been 2 years since Kevin escaped from his familiar adversaries, with all being well as the McCallister family celebrate the festivities by holidaying to the Colombian capital, oblivious to the ongoing strife raging between the government and the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia (FARC), whom fuel their insurgency by profiting from the drug trade and a myriad of other illicit ventures. Everything goes according to plan, but… wait!? It seems Harry and Marv (portrayed still by Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern) are trying to make ends meet after their latest escape from jail. Their paths have crossed; precipitating Kevin’s characteristic scream, followed then by his speedy retreat away from the centre of Bogotá, unaware of the dangers presented by the city’s limits… his (absentee) parents nowhere to be seen. “Kids are scared of the FARC (Pronounced phonetically)…” remarks Marv. While our hero enjoyed the benefits of a large, suburban torture chamber in the previous entries, things are a little different here, with Kevin unable to understand anyone, for he knows not any Spanish. In the midst of the story, a subplot involving Kevin’s initial fear of a group of FARC rebels he encounters plotting attacks on government property evolves into mutual respect, with the rebels learning a trick or 2 from young McCallister’s expertise in (domestic) asymmetric warfare, while Kevin takes a keen interest in their Marxist-Leninist tenets, particularly their views on land redistribution and the detrimental effect wealth concentration continues to have on the Amerindian minority, something that hadn’t occurred to Kevin owing to his Chicago upbringing.
Eventually, Kevin is cornered in an abandoned foundry and is all but at the mercy of the iniquitous duo. However… as though befitting a Christmas miracle the FARC rebels arrive and, predictably, the newly renamed ‘Reactionary Bandits’ prove no match and are promptly put to death via slashes to their jugulars. Yet, the ordeal for Kevin isn’t quite over, as the left-leaning guerrillas (pragmatically) remind him that at the end of the day, their chief revenue stream besides narcotics is… ransom. Soon enough, Kevin is returned to his family in time for Christmas, with all rejoicing as he opens up his presents, including some from his former captors; a compendium of Simón Bolívar’s essays, a signed copy of Ernesto ‘Che’ Guevara’s Motorcycle Diaries and a first edition of Frantz Fanon’s Wretched of the Earth, much to Kevin’s amusement as it is in another language he also doesn’t quite grasp — French. Prior to the credits, brother Buzz surmises that despite the family’s ordeal, they’d still be classified as mere lumpenproletariat if class conflict were ever to take root back home in Illinois. He then stumbles upon a suspicious piece of paper resembling an invoice; it cuts to an exterior shot of the villa they reside in, as though implying the sound of McAllister Sr.’s high pitched realisation that he will have to pay $9,670 for his son’s safe return will somehow be heard by all in Bogotá… connecting the arc full circle, making it no longer an arc.
Additional Details – Owing to the significant box office potential from the Home Alone brand, a large budget far outstripping instalments 1 & 2 ($18 million/$28 million) will sufficiently cover the problematic filming locations, advertisements, as well as the commissioning of a score appropriate for a 1995 audience, with the recommendation of beating the 2010s at their own game by hiring Trent Reznor for the undertaking, as well as employing indigenous Columbian folk musicians to act as his subordinates-in-studio, the hope being it will articulate into a kind of land-of-a-thousand-rhythms freight-crash… into the palatable industrial rock a Gen X/Millennial audience will obviously get behind, if packaged appropriately.